roxyblonde112's JournalSaturday, June 18, 20052:15PM - ...bored..So here I am, sitting at my moms office...BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!!!! Yesterday I gotten eaten alive by killer mosquitos, but still had fun with the boys. We had a camcorder too! But apparently the battery was dead. So what was the point in bringing it you ask? That's precisely what I asked too and have yet to recieve an answer. I dislocated my pinky...yea. Nice I know. I had so much fun ice skating though! Wow I miss it so much. I really wanna go back. Camp is fun, except for the fact that I get pain half of MINIMUM wage. I find that rather ironic. because minimum means the least amount that a company can pay me....yet somehow I end up getting half then the average mexican landscaper! How this happened..I'm in the process of finding a new job. It's fun and everything but I would rather be spending my time doing other things..haha! Well anyways I'm gonna go try to find something retarded to do to fill my lonesome time...BYE!!!!!!!! Current mood:  boredCurrent music: none..DAMN IT! Saturday, June 11, 20059:53PM - ...ungrounded...i think I'm ungrounded. It's been a long, hard, terrible 4 wks. They were so killer!!! Kims gonna teach me how to surf...this should be interesting! Well anyways I didn't go to Orlando this weekend. The weather was too bad for us to drive and the park would've been miserable anyways. I didn't go to pat's thing ever, but that's his fault. He didn't want me there anyways. I might have messed up his act with gloria. God forbid I talked the whole night! Ha whatever, at first I was pissed, but now...I'm ehh. NOthing big...his choice, his loss, I hope he gets bored. Well, maybe now he'll finally be happy. Maybe now he'll be able to smile again. I care, I always will, but maybe now life will be easy. Maybe I'm making a mistake, I'll pay for it later I guess. C'est la vie. Je s'aime. Meme il me prends pour avantage. Il est l'un seulement que je veux, mais il ne la connais pas. Ma vie revoles around se. Quel dommage.... Current mood:  aggravatedCurrent music: seven wiser Wednesday, June 8, 20059:00PM - ...ehh...So...here I am, still grounded by the way, thinking. Yea I know..what the hell is she doing thinking?! Well, today was absolutely wonderful..WORK SUCKED!!! I came home, my room is still a mess. My dad yelled at me for something. And I have a vampire sized bite mark on my boob from babysitting. Even still, today was amazing. something about it...always makes me happy!!!11 Current mood:  happyCurrent music: slow motion Sunday, June 5, 20058:40PM - ..dude!!!!!...wow...SO BORED!!!!!!!!!!! YOu don't even know!..COngrats class of 2005!..I'm gonna miss all of you tho! Someone call me...boredom is taking over...i've been doin the stupidest stuff....I made cookies. I played mariokart..made terriaki chicken..IT WAS PRETTY DAMN GOOD TOO!..umm..attempted to clean my room...my first day of work is tomarrow.I'm almost dreading it. oh well i'll tell how it was tomarrow when i get home! I LOVE YOU!!!!!! Current mood: boredCurrent music: hard to say Sunday, May 29, 20057:40PMSo...here I am grounded. But it's actually not that bad. I'm sort of liking it actually. I miss my freedom...but I deserve it so w/e. I figured out that finger painting is amazing!! I was doing it for 2 hrs yesterday!!!! I love my parents so much....don't like them at times..but you never realize how good they are to you until you really mess up...like me. And I'm gonna miss Andrew so much when he leaves in August. He won't be far but far enough to where I won't be able to hug him! My house is gonna be so quiet for a while. He's part of the fun. It won't be the same as a duo...it's the trio! but ones leaving..hence the duo with extension...yea that just doesn't work. IUt won't be as fun to fight cameron when Andy won't be there to cheer us on and help in the specific places. It won't be the same without him helping me with my math and making fun of me bcuz of my stupidity..I'll miss him so much. And I'm gonna miss pat too. The fights, the arguments, the hugs, all the fun with him. 2 of the main entertainers in my life are leaving! WHY!?!?! Either way I'll survive and I'll see them. I'll see pat everyday like ususal, just half the hours. How come I'm not sick of him yet? Even with all the crap we do to each other how come we're still close? I don't know..I don't care...cuz he'll always be there. Same with Andrew...I'm happy.. Current mood: grounded Current music: jesus of suburbia Monday, May 16, 20058:59PM - ...ahh!!!!.....I'm still in a state of complete chaos. BUt w/e I can take it. Gimme your best shot, I'll recover. All of you can hurt me all you want, I won't give in to ur bs. I'm so over being sad, none of you are worth it. You know if your worth it to me. I've given up so much for both of you. I can't sit here and write that I'm not in pain, but my anger just so overwhelmingly takes it over with sympathy. I really feel sorry for both of you...that you had to sink so low to boost ur ego. Well, I hoped you got what you wanted bcuz I want nothing to do w/ either of you any more and everything you both said about me... was just a feeble attempt to think ur better then me and what I DID WAS WRONG. but what you two are doing is even worse and you can just stay away from me. I want nothing to do w/ either of you. So why is it that I don't care...because I'm so much better then them. My heart was and still is in the right place and that's all that matters....I tried to make it work, despite what anyone may think. It doesn't matter that we used to be friends because friends don't pull this shit. And you've hurt me too much for forgetting or forgiving. Leave me alone, get out of my life. Talk all you want about me. I know why you do it, even if I'm the only one who see's right thru you. I'll win in the end. I'll be happy. Maybe you'll be happy too. W/out me....On a lighter note I had a good day. I went to the pool, read my book, went swinging, played in the sand, went to kim's. It's been good. That's all I can say. And I feel so much better about the whole...thing. So that's all I've got to say and hopefully I'm gonna go back to skating. Wha hoo!!!!!!!!! One thing that can't scar me..emotionally. haha...yea. Well it's been fun ranting about the 2 assholes in my life. I LOVE SWINGING!!!!!!!! Current music: suffocate Friday, May 13, 20056:33PM - ...manchot...The reasons I do things, the reasons I stay, the reasons I never leave, are befcause they are best for me. I think. But sometimes I make the wrong choice. I mess up. but what has happened doesn't mean anything is going to change.It doesn't mean that since it's over that you'll never do it again. When you love someone, it's impossible. I know what love feels like. The unconrollable urge to be w/one person. To take a bullet for them as a natural reaction. Love isn't thought, it's natural, part of you. I can't explain why this is the decision i came to, it hurts me more then anything. I can't stand to pass you in the hall and not say a word, or look you in the eyes, or smile at you like I always do. I tried to tell you. You never want to listen to me. I can't change that. I don't want to either. The person I saw growing up w/ isn't the person I see now. What happened? I didn't corrupt you this time. Truth hurts, but you know who did. And why is it that people pretend to be your friends? What do they want,information? Well I'm not gonna give you any. Everything I told you, you turned around and spat it back at me twice as hard. Your an ass for doing this. It's not my fault anymore. I won't defend you anymore, I think your wrong. Your taking this way to far. You lie....and you know it. Stop messing with me...please. Current music: forgive n forget:papa roach Thursday, May 12, 20054:04PM - ...still a mess....This hurts more then anything. It feels as if my heart is literally being torn in two. Why can no one understand that even though I try to help, my mind goes numb sometimes. I'd never do anything to hurt him, but I always end up messing up his chances. She misinterprets what I say. He yells at me. I ask him who he wants to believe....me. Why does this have to be so complicated. When you really love someone you would do anything for them. Not torture them until there's nothing left to put thru pain. I'm the dead end in the circle. She takes it out on him, he takes it out on me. That's where it ends...as the best friend I take it all. I hold all the secrets, the fears, the hopes, the dreams, the pain, the grief, the anger, and the hate. I know it all. I don't know how he feels. I don't know what to believe. Her? or me? I've been shaking all day. My tears have run dry. I've given up so much more then anyone can know or even believe. And yet you still don't believe what I say. I'm shattered, never felt so torn. And even still my heart aches w/ longing...for things to go right. For him to be happy. My joy has become of no significance. Feelings obsolete. Left desolate. so close to empty. One left. Will this one leave me too? My trust is depleted....but not in him. He can yell at me all day, but still cry on my shoulder about how much he needs me. For once its real. No dependence. mutual. I need him too. JUst not the way you choose to think. You can have my best friend if it'll make you happy. Does anyone hate me? Why? What could i have done? I can't stand the pain anymore. Will anyone work w/ me? I can't do this on my own...i really need help. Isolation solves nothing. That's why I run. That's why I hide. When can I come out again, when will you defend me? When will the scars disappear. When will my heart become yet again whole. When will you admit you were wrong. Why don't you listen. I love you. trust your heart, trust yourself....I trust you. Friday, May 6, 20054:42PM - ...a mess...All I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy. I try so hard to get a away from the drama, I can't stand feeling this way. I feel like I'm a mouse in the snake pit. I'm not me anymore and i hate it. Why do I have to let everyone else affect me. Why don't tears help. I hate crying... but it does help. When I cry i think.As do most people. I hate the way i can't be happy, because no one else is. Why can't everyone else set their problems aside. Why is everyone so difficult just because they can be. Why do people on purpose lead people on to think things will work out and that someday it'll be fine again. Why can't we all move on and save ourselves the pain. Are the smiles worth the pain. Are the kisses worth the torture, the agony of knowing ur not special enough to be the only one? Why is it that we all take each other for granted for our own use? Why do we get away with this? Why can't people believe in me? Why can they trust me with someone else's heart, but not their own. I miss you so much. But you insist on dragging this on and on. Tell him one way or the other what will happen. Please stop messing with his head...please. You really don't understand how much he means to me. I love him. NOt the way you do, but whenever i hear him talk about you, I just wish that you'd tell him. Either we will be together or your wasting your time. PLease....this is all I want. For my best friend to be happy. What he tells me is impossible to hear, maybe because your feelings waver, mine are steadfast. I'll never leave him for a girl and he'll never leave me for a guy. We're stuck together. Why does no one understand? It's not too dificult to grasp. Why is isolation the best answer, why does it sound so much better to me? Why does the world work like this. Why does no one believe? Dreams keep us going..my dream is set. Will you help me please? Current mood:  depressedCurrent music: Cut up angels Wednesday, April 27, 200510:10PM - ..YEA!....WOW! I just met the hottest guy ever! omg....so sweet too. Neways I've been working on this stupid project all day for french.. Damn FRENCH PEOPLE! Wow i love ya Yael! She walks me to class every morning. And wow me n noelle went with her mom to pick up her cuz when we were high as fuck! That was funny as hell! Goes us she couldn't tell!CINCO DE TACO,on CINCO DE MAYO!...those who know what it means, it applies to you. You know who u r. Well I g2g get over this bloody cold. I'm sick as a bitch. oh and i love spraypaint!!!!...it's all over me....and i wonder y i smell like crap...haha no need to tell me, i kno im a dumbass.... Current mood:  calmCurrent music: 1985 Saturday, April 23, 20051:03PM - ..saturday shcool...Just came back from saturday school. Wow it is the most boring thing ever...but I had fun anyways. I love you Pablo! He made me a frog that says "Alex's Froggy"!!!!!I was bloody sexy...I kept it. And patrick was sittin there doing nothing for the whole 3 hrs. hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing...well anyways!! LAst night was awesome!!!!!!!!! Me and noelle were being all stupid...we were appling!...complements of sean, michael, and eddie. Good stuff. And the excersist...can't spell it...wasn't that scary. It blew!!!! WEll anyways gotta go...do something...bYe!!!!!!! Current music: fighter Monday, April 18, 200510:10PM - ..dude...well today has been interesting. I went to Noelles after school. and I have no idea whatso ever about what to do with myself right now. Im confused over various things. Any answers to my questions would be greatly appreciated. I can't believe how much mitch hates it though. It's almost amazing! He truly despises it. I thought he'd be happy for me..cuz he knew how long I'd waited for it. Mail doesn't come fast enough...and I'm taking a pole..should I pierce my lip?...yes or no?!? Don't worry noelle I love you and everything will be okay...and when a guy says i can't live without you, does he love you? Current mood:  blankCurrent music: yellowcard Sunday, April 17, 20052:42PM - ...riding...Kinda bored..cuz Vicki's out on a call. So I'm all alone. But anyways todays has actually been pretty fun and last night was good too. Shannon and I went over to mitchell and we wrestled as usual...good stuff. Of course I WON! Just don't tell Mitch that way he doesn't have to feel bad about getting beat by a girl. Well, I got a job working at American Heritage day camp...yay!!!!gotta go..CALL! Wednesday, April 13, 200510:28PM - ....tell me....I'm so happy, relieved, sad, but all in all I can't say i don't have it all? I stopped to think about everything i have....so then why in the hell have I been so depressed lately? There's no reason for anyone to be depressed either..I was thinking for a while and look what it does to me. I'm so glad my soap opera's over. Why you ask? Because I QUIT! I didn't want to be lead anymore. They can finish without me. I have decided to forget all the stupid shit that brings me down. Life is too short to waste. NOt saying that my all the people i have drama with are a waste..just the drama. No offense to anyone. Relieved because Im alive and i realized today that tomarrow could be my last day. ***Louis Skinner...in loving memory..so sorry I didn't know you better.You were the coolest kid ever, I'll never forget how you always smiled.Your my inspiration*** If it takes a tragedy to get me thinking then...I'm a fucker. I should've learned b4..but i didn't so Im gonna learn now. This probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone....but honestly it's making me feel so much better! Current mood:  chipperCurrent music: she's a rebel Thursday, April 7, 200511:00PM - ....ahhh....Lost is my happiness, Current mood:  pensiveCurrent music: christina Wednesday, April 6, 20055:40PM - ...yay...I usually a happy person..but today im freakin ecstatic!!!!!!! Today was great. My day started off early at 4 am with Noelle...YES I GOT TO JUMP ON THE SIGN! haha mike was laughin at me all morning but he didn't know i was messed up. Then i went to school...ahh...some good stuff there. but it feels weird to be taken oh well...I totally slept thru my quiz in math which im gonna take tomarrow morning so i can get a grade...so i actually pass this damn class.Then i came home and cleaned my closet...yay fun..and now i go to bellz so long!!!!!!!!!!!! Current mood: whoo!! Current music: nonpoint Sunday, April 3, 20052:04PM - ..wow...HOw does it feel when you leave your kid home for the weekend Current mood: in trouble... Current music: can't fight the moonlight Monday, March 28, 200511:36PM - ...bubbles...pretty bubbles Current mood: happyCurrent music: tyranny 5:54PM - ...SCREW IT....I wish everything would go away Current mood:  intimidatedCurrent music: !?!SKINDRED!?! Thursday, March 24, 200511:38PM - ...clueless...you take me for granted Current mood:  exanimateCurrent music: breaking benjamin Navigate: (Previous 20 entries) |
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